Thoughts...

Would any of you believe me if I said I was still readjusting from my life in Africa? Ever since coming back from my Peace Corps service, life has been hard. I know it has been almost six months but it doesn't matter. Nobody tells you what it will be like when you get back and they don't tell you that readjustment back to American life is harder than adjusting to your new host country. That's because everybody's experience is different. For me, I came home with a heavy heart and heavier decisions. I was glad to be back and happy to see everyone I missed so dearly but I had decisions to make and I had to make them quickly.

I came back and was overwhelmed by everything. The day I landed I had one of my first meals that I had been craving. That didn't sit well in my stomach. The next day I bought a new phone. I didn't even know how to use it or what LTE meant. Later that night I had a welcome back party that my sister threw for me. I was overwhelmed with emotions and missing my friends back "home" in Botswana. For me (and I presume, many volunteers) I had to hit the ground running and think about jobs, bills, cars, and life in a completely different, fast-paced environment. I'm from LA after all.

Being jobless for a few months really made me depressed. I would literally be searching for jobs every day, researching online and asking friends for referrals. I've been so used to working at least two jobs since I was 16 years old. Sometimes that was accompanied with going to school full time. It's funny because I didn't stress about these things in Africa, I didn't have to. Life moved much slower there. But now I was back and I was stressed again. Living paycheck to paycheck is normal for me. I am great at saving, any of my friends could attest to that. But once money goes into my savings, I never ever touch that. That is how I was able to travel a lot in the Peace Corps and how I was able to stay afloat for the months that followed my Peace Corps service. But I had to break that rule since I've been back, unfortunately. I've had to dip into my savings and my OCD hates it.

I'm rambling now but the whole point to this is that I just had to make one of the hardest decisions of my life, again (following joining the Peace Corps of course!). I finally got to test and interview for Los Angeles County as a Children's Social Worker. I've been waiting and waiting for this for a long, long time. I studied for this, I dreamed of this...having a job helping people with benefits and paid days, man! No longer having to worry about money and being able to live decently and comfortably, being able to help my dad, I can't pass this up, right? And then I got into graduate school. With pretty high honors too. And I can't let that go, can I? Do I work full time and push my education to the back or do I go to school full time and continue to stress about money? For months this bothered me. I didn't know what to do. Getting into the county is hard enough and I had the opportunity to get my foot in the door before obtaining my Masters degree. But education in important to me and actually something that I enjoy and would work towards something bigger anyway.

I had to make the decision by today and I have officially decided to go to school full time and work part time.  It is hard for me to think about not being able to support my dad as much as I want to or helping Trenton out as much as I would like. But I know in the long run that this decision will eventually make me happier and I have the best, most supportive people in my life. I've always said I wouldn't end up in a job that pays well just because it pays well. I have to like my job. I don't want to be one of those people working and making money only to be unhappy with their life and dislike what they do. Yeah, the county job would get me great experience and might even give me opportunities to move up but I don't think it would make me as happy as going to school and focusing more on the mental health side of things in social work. That is where my passion lies. With continuing my education, it comes with continuing to work part time with the kiddos I have become attached to. I love working with them and helping them build their skills. It's still a pretty new experience for me and I enjoy it. It is intense but rewarding. And school will open up doors for me as well. Maybe I could even focus on finding a way to help people with Trichotillomania, something I've struggled with for almost 20 years now. That would be great!

So this is my decision. Like anyone who makes a big decision in his/her life, I hope that it is a good one. As scared as I was about going away to the Peace Corps and contemplating whether it was the "right" decision or not, I did it and it has already given me opportunities and helped with the job application process and graduate school acceptances. So I don't want to worry about his being the "right" decision or not because I would never know that. What I do know is that it feels right, right now, and I'll go with it.

Thanks for reading my rantings. Sometimes I like to be honest because it helps me feel better about things and is a way for me to deal. Just writing it out makes me feel better already! Giving my journal a break ;)